To my fellow Gender Constituents,
We’ve given women another reason to think we suck. And it’s something we have total control over. The disgusting bachelor pad stereotype.
Let’s be realistic. When it comes to appearances men have it way easier than women. If we’ve got 5 minutes for a shower, a pair of jeans from Banana Republic, a collared shirt (maybe ironed) and body spray, we’re good to go.
Now you know damn well that’s not the case for women whether it’s self-imposed or not. So fellas, the least we can do is include ‘home’ in our appearance don’t you think? Not only is your lady friend going to appreciate it. You’ll learn to appreciate it too.
Oh, your place is great the way it is huh? Fine, forget girls for a second and help me understand this….
- Didn’t you sleep better the last time you put fresh sheets on the bed?
- When you got home from work didn’t you feel better that one time everything in your place was organized?
- Do you enjoy collecting last month’s dinner on the bottom of your feet when you walk in your kitchen?
- Do you like wanting to shower in someone else’s bathroom because yours still smells like puke from that night you had all those super sugary mixed drinks?
If your answers were…
Get off your ass and clean up your shit you stubborn, benevolent master of grime!
And stop drinking the sugary crap!
These are not the tips from a scarf-wearing hipster in Los Angeles, okay. No scarfs are necessary in Southern California. Trust me, I lived there for 8 years.
This is the tough love you didn’t get in your bratty teenager days. So stop making other guys suffer and consider this the bro-code for a bachelor pad that’s less scary for women broken down into 6 easy rules.
Why only 6? I’m playing the game too punk.
You’ve probably got Rule #1 by now. Clean your shit before she comes over!
If you, I and every other bro had their act together, women would never, NEVER, know what slobs we’d be if they let us!
I know going on a whirlwind-cleaning binge is a pain in the ass. Trust me, I’ve had to do it too. That’s why you clean a little everyday and the binge becomes easier to pull off. You’ll be amazed how much faster you can sterilize the necessary amenities.
What do you mean you don’t know what the necessary amenities are?
Dudes, if you’re over the age of 25 and can’t figure out all a girl needs from you are clean floors, a clean bathroom with toiletries and bed sheets that don’t suck the next thing you’re going to show me is your Scarface poster hanging up in your bedroom!
Alright, I love Al Pacino movies and Scarface is no exception. But if you get a girl in your bed the last thing you want her to look up and see is Tony Montana with an AK-47 telling her to “say hello to my little friend!” Got the pun? Good. Point’s made. Rule #2, don’t hang pop culture posters in your bedroom.
Seriously, after college what are you doing with that poster of Johnny Depp playing piano? Are you listening to as much Bob Marley as you used to? And let’s be honest. You’re not tough enough to join Fight Club! Poser.
Besides do you really want a girl staring at a bunch of A-list actors and singers while she’s in bed with you?
It’s like when you’re on Tinder and the girl that comes up has a hotter friend in the picture with her. You end up swiping left but wish you could swipe right for the friend? Same concept.
Look I’m trying to help here. And trust me I’m not Casanova. I speak with experience from girls who have been in my humble abode. They stayed longer than a minute and I actually felt good hearing how my place was inviting and comfortable because I had some of their favorite things available to them. That’s Rule #3 comfort isn’t just cleanliness. Have some stuff she likes too.
It’s not magical. It’s just logical. Sure women could be impressed with a sexy designer pad. But no matter what, a tidy place with a few comforts for her (i.e. wine, cheese, crackers, blanket, vs. Doritos, beer and cold) makes up for the lack of pricey décor you don’t have yet because you spent your money on that sick entertainment system to feel like you’re actually IN Call of Duty.
Now, if you can afford a vaulted ceiling, brick walled, 1000 square foot high-rise with a view and a cleaning lady; congratulations you’re winning the game of life and I’m not talking to you.
For the rest of us peasants there’s some work to do to offset the designer furniture, fancy artwork originals and wall-to-wall shelf of books alpha dog has to make himself seem smart.
BTW, what the hell are all those books good for anyway if you haven’t read them all? That’s the easiest, bullshit callout for a girl, ever. Poser. Same with candles but I’ll get to that in a minute.
But Rule #4 stands true, be confident in your stuff and she will be too.
Now if you’re thinking “I’m comfortable in my own filth and garbage so she should be too”; well you got the concept I’m going for but know that you’re not getting laid tonight.
However, it is okay to have sports stuff and other collectables you treasure in your pad. It’s you. Be you. Be confident in your interests. Besides, faking it’s going to get real old and she’ll eventually figure it out. You’d again fall into the poser category. Sensing a theme?
But don’t inundate your pad with it. Break it up with some other things you like, especially if they add more than the color black to your pad. That way if she moves in, she’ll still end up replacing your crap, just not the stuff you really want up.
And with a little time and effort you too can bargain hunt for cooler stuff. I have a trick that’ll make your place original, interesting and look more expensive than it actually is. Fellas, I present to you Rule #5. A flea market is your friend.
Here’s why flea markets are awesome. First, they’re cheaper. Second, merchants have a lot of one of a kind, vintage stuff that runs you less risk of getting caught with the same Target vase she’s got. Third, instead of your typical iPad browsing Saturday afternoon, you have an outdoor date destination with enough stuff that interests the both of you. And hey, if all else fails the best markets always have greasy, delicious food stands!
Finally, here’s Rule #6, which I said I’d get to. Candles! Are they girly? Yes. Are they necessary? You bet your ass.
Fellas, we stink and cologne can’t mask everything for long. Even if you can’t smell it, trust me, it’s what she smells that counts.
But you don’t want your place smelling like a tropical florist either because you’re a dude. So to solve this little problem I present to you the most genius thing a 13-year-old kid ever came up with. The Man Can. (maybe not ever but it’s pretty damn clever and they smell great).
Not only does his company give you an array of more manly smelling candles they donate .75¢ from every sale to soup kitchens (he used to donate the soup from the cans he bought to hold the candles).
How’s that for being a more sensitive, charitable, thoughtful partner in the eyes of the beholder huh? You’re welcome. I highly recommend coffee, campfire or fresh cut grass.
By the way, make sure you’ve actually used the candles a few times before she comes over. If they just sit there unused until a girl’s in your place, they won’t mask the smell and you’ll kind of be… guess what… a poser.
So fellas, if you’ve taken nothing away from my diatribe and gotten this far, here are the cliff notes. Clean up your shit and be yourself in your pad. Otherwise you’re a poser. And no you’re not a poser if you only binge clean when she’s coming over. That just means you’re a lazy fuck like the rest of us and we all need to stop it.