These 5 Health Apps Don’t Seem To Do Much

I’m not saying health and fitness apps aren’t useful. On the contrary, there are many informative, and engaging ones that make counting calories easier while keeping workouts entertaining.

For example, the Zombies, Run! App.

Check out the links below and judge for yourself but here’s my review of 5 special programs that almost made me download a meditation app because I didn’t have a paper bag handy.

5. Calorific: – What 200 calories looks like

Understanding portion control is a huge part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. And I can see the usefulness for visualizing higher caloric foods. The donut they advertise is a good example. But why show me 200 calories of fruits or vegetables? Who the hell’s eating a plate of 4 ½ peaches?

Furthermore, this wonder app boasts to have 140 foods and drinks beautifully photographed, (they’re a missing a few) along with 42 festive holiday foods for an extra $1.99. Right. Because seeing the microscopic 200-calorie portions of what your Christmas dinner looks like is really going to stop you from eating into a food coma. It’s certainly not stopping Santa from eating all the cookies!

4. Harvest: – Select The Best Produce

For $1.99 here’s your guide to selecting the freshest, ripest, healthiest and best tasting produce. Or, you could just take this age-old approach. If it’s brown, moldy, squishy or unappetizing, don’t buy it!

And while there are some fruits and vegetables out there with tricks to determine if they’re ready for consumption, you could always be totally extroverted and ask the dude in charge of keeping the produce fresh what to pick. Crazy right?

Too much for you avid smart phone users? Fine, just ask Siri.

3. Pillow: – The Smart Sleep Cycle Alarm Clock

I’m not insensitive to the fact that some people suffer with sleeping issues so you may find this app useful. But marketing guy’s press release left me with a few questions.

This app claims to feature optimal wake up time that…

monitors your sleep cycles and selects the best possible time to wake you up, just a few minutes before the alarm you have setup.

What if the best possible time doesn’t correlate to when I have to get up to go to work? Can I still hit the snooze button? And if I’m hung over after a crazy Saturday night does it know that no time is the best possible time to me wake up?

The release says the app…

records sounds during your sleep

…but that their…

smart audio recording algorithm discards noise.

Isn’t noise… a sound? And what if it discards the noises you want to know about like when your pet likes to pee on you, or what time your partner finally came to bed that night they were out with “friends”?

Of course if you purchase the premium version for $4.99 you get…

  • Statistics that don’t magically add time to your day to accomplish all your crap.
  • Full access to sound recordings the algorithm decides not to discard.
  • Access to all the app’s wake-up melodies because nothing in the 10GB of music already on your IPhone is adequate enough.
  • And the app’s 3 powernap modes.

Look not everybody’s equal but if you get to take power naps and spend time deciding which of the 3 you want to use, you probably think the Kardashians are great role models and stay away from me.

2. Up Coffee: – The Simplest Way to Understand How Caffeine Affects Your Sleep

I’ve been drinking coffee since I was a teenager and my town’s school committee thought first bell at 7:30am was a good time to start learning physics. So while…

world-class data scientists are crunching numbers so you can learn about your body’s reaction to caffeine effortlessly

…here’s a take from a coffee aficionado with15 years of experience. Me.

If you drink coffee too close to when you want to go to bed, it’ll keep you up.

If you only drink coffee in the morning, you’re good.

Now that’s the simplest way to understand how caffeine affects your sleep!

1. HidrateMe: (with an I? File that in the back of your mind.) This is the app and “smart” water bottle that tells you when to drink water.

I actually see the appeal for a certain demographic. I’m just not in it. Seriously? You need an app to tell you when you’re thirsty? And it comes with an LED water bottle synced to the app?

What happens if you’re rushing out the door one morning and you forget your “smart” water bottle? Are you ignoring your dried out lips and parched tongue because the cup you borrowed from the office kitchen doesn’t glow?

And what if your IPhone battery goes dead because you went on a Candy Crush binge? How will you ever keep track of 8 servings of water?!?

FYI, that cup of coffee or tea in the morning? That’s 1 serving. The 16oz. bottle of water at lunch is 2 servings alone so that’s 3. The afternoon pick-me-up coffee is 4. Think you can accidentally figure out the rest?

According to their marketing video, the app creators left their jobs to pursue this project. It was something they believed in. Funny, because before I believe in something enough to leave my job, I might check and see if somebody had the idea first.

Here’s a list of 25 out of the 76 apps available in the ITunes store when you search hydration just in case you were wondering…




Water Log (not to be confused with waterlogged)


Water Alert

Drink Water Reminder

Hydrate Daily Waterlog

Splashy Water Tracker

Water Tracker (not as “splashy” as Splashy Water Tracker)

Water Trakr Freemium (how clever)


Hydration Genius

Hydro Drink Water

Water Balance

My Water

Drink More

Watermind Me


IPee Daily (I giggled)

Water Tap

Got Water?


Hydration Log

And last but not least HydrateMe with a “Y”!


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